You might be a super villain
We never noticed it before. That’s how entrenched the negative portrayal of bald people in popular culture is. But thanks to this Youtube video we’ve woken up to the poisonous smear campaign terrorising the folliclely disabled.
Here are just two examples. Darth Vader begins life with decadent flowing locks. Then he discovers the Dark Side and the Bald Side simultaneously. Arnie always plays hirsute heroes. Except in Batman & Robin where, as the evil Mr. Freeze, he’s, you guessed it - BALD.
Joking aside, losing your hair is devastating. The shocking fact is 50% of men will experience some degree of male pattern baldness by the time they’re 50. You know what’s even sadder? There’s no cure and it’s caused by your own hormones. Cheers, biology.
The war on rugs
Choose to battle your bonce and you’re likely to fall into the clutches of the vast baldness ‘cures’ industry. Gobble potions and apply lotions, some with horrible side effects. Indulge in costly, and useless, laser combs and tablets. Surgery (favoured by Wayne Rooney) can work but you’ll pay a small fortune.
Let’s talk about death, baby
Yep, the final curtain. Hair loss is a grieving process, with similar stages - denial (the combover) followed by anger. To accept the inevitable is to make peace with your own mortality. Life is, after all, a one way ticket. Why not enjoy the ride?
Once you’ve decided to bite the bullet, you have a choice. Shaving with a razor is the ultimate statement but the chrome dome is not for everyone. Alternatively, opt for a clipper cut, grade three or below. This is the best option for most balding men. It’s low maintenance and suits any occasion.
Ask the professionals
You can take it all off at home. But getting it right, especially first time, is hard. The back of the head is particularly tricky, and a fade at the sides, or a straight line finish to the neckline, can only be done at the barber shop.
It’s these details that make the difference between a budget barber and a top quality one. Plus, placing your follicular fate in the hands of a professional makes the process much less scary.
Chris Ward, director of Huckle the Barber, recently took the plunge:
‘I couldn’t stand losing my hair. I’m a barber for god’s sake. My hair is an adv0;ertisement! But I’m so pleased I went for it. It’s a strong look. My advice to other men is just do it. You’ll be shocked at first, and you might even hate your barber a little bit. Then you’ll love him forever.’
Men - it’s time to fight back against the negative portrayal of hairlessness. Reclaim your scalp with confidence. Laugh in the face of those hair-privileged manipulators. The real cure for baldness? The courage to say goodbye. You won’t regret it. Think less of Lex Luther and more of Morpheus.
On the other hand, global domination does sound like fun…